There will be blood.
What an awful week to be a football fan. Injuries, upsets, and boring ass games.
Remember what I said about the 49ers being the best fucking team in football last week? This week's Script was written with AI during the writer's strike cause that shit was fucked up.
Speaking of the script, noted Milf Hunter Zach Wilson beat the brotherly shove Eagles with a couple of shoves of his own. The fuck?!
Tyreek Hill ran all the fuck over Carolina. He ran so much he got fucking cramps in his balls and still came back in. If the clock hadn't run out he'd still be running over them today.
How the fuck does Derek Carr throw the ball 50 times and only score 13 points? Explain me plz.
London Jags remain undefeated. Just don't come home boys, that's where you belong.
The injury reaper came for..wait for it cause this list is longer than Willem Defoe's dick (google that shit):
Allen, Fields, Garropolo, Mayfield, Tannehill, Montgomery, McCaffrey, Williams, Deebo, Wilson, Metcalf, Shenault, Palmer. Fuck me that's tough.
Fun fact: I'm outta fun facts I'm in pain and it's not my fault. I hate this game.
League Recap
This week league-wise was also awful.
Mike and Joe's Demercado/Ingram bet set a record for 2nd dumbest side bet in the league. That title will forever be held by me winning $5 off Josh for knowing how to pronounce Tua's last name.
I dunno boys, it's starting to smell like irregular updates in this column from me.
https://media1.giphy.com/media/pz7X6ivsb8KaEO9D4F/giphy.gif
Last Week's MoTW Winner: David, my second loss, my picks: 3-2
This Week's Matchup of the Week: IDFK me and Brett and I'll take me to reverse a curse or something who fucking knows.
Power Rankings
| Rank | Team | Change | Streak |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Scott | - | 5 |
| 2 | Josh | +1 | - |
| 3 | David | -1 | - |
| 4 | Boyer | +2 | - |
| 5 | Brett | -1 | - |
| 6 | Jordan | -1 | - |
| 7 | Mike | +2 | - |
| 8 | Joe | - | 2 |
| 9 | Will | -2 | - |
| 10 | Chu | - | 2 |
Team Notes:
Scott: What does it feel like to be in a good streak? Chu and I are dying to know. Just give us a taste love.
Josh: I dunno, I haven't seen this much interest in a Bronco since OJ Simpson. You're doing something right though. I'm calling your team Johnnie Cochran.
David: Season win out? It's been done before. Better hope Henry stays healthy.
Boyer: Burrow/Herbert paying off finally eh? For your sake you better hope they stay healthy cause the QB wire is as dead as DeSantis' nomination hopes.
Brett: Oof. The gods giveth, and the gods taketh away. Hopes on Pickett? Lord help you.
Jordan: Sam Howell might be the best rookie QB left this year. If Kittle didn't drop the soap in CLE you might've taken that one.
Mike: Man..zero RB works if you got ELITEAF Goff and Tua God. I want so badly for you to be wrong. Can't hate it tho. Hangin' in there.
Joe: You got more Qs on your roster than a Pride parade. But, you are playing Chu, so there is light at the end of this rainbow glowstick.
Will: I'm cooked like slow roasted chili. Maybe I start betting again. Yeah that's good for my mental health. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Chu: The only difference between your team and mine is some lucky matchups. Hello fellow cellar dweller.
This Week by the Numbers:
Highest Scorer:
Josh: 159
Highest points in loss:
Brett: 124
Biggest blowout:
Josh over Will: +51
Overachiever (score, projection):
Josh: +19
Lowest Scorer:
Chu: 93 (2 weeks)
Lowest points in win:
David: 122
Narrow victory:
David over Jordan: +1.76
Underperformer (score, projection):
David: -27
Overall Wins (if you played every team every week):
Reminder why this is important: This removes the luck of matchups from the standings. You can see where you actually would stand if the arbitrary schedule were removed and you played everyone.
| # | Name | Wins | Losses |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Scott | 36 | 18 |
| 1 | David | 36 | 18 |
| 3 | Josh | 34 | 20 |
| 4 | Brett | 30 | 24 |
| 5 | Boyer | 27 | 27 |
| 6 | Jordan | 24 | 30 |
| 7 | Mike | 23 | 31 |
| 8 | Joe | 22 | 32 |
| 9 | Will | 21 | 33 |
| 10 | Chu | 16 | 38 |
Team points by Week:
This week's perfect lineup:
| Pos | Name | Points | Owner |
|---|---|---|---|
| QB | Tua Tagovailoa | 23.24 | Mike |
| WR | Tyreek Hill | 28.3 | Scott |
| WR | Amon-Ra St. Brown | 25.4 | Mike |
| WR | Cooper Kupp | 25.3 | Joe |
| RB | Raheem Mostert | 33.7 | Scott |
| RB | Kyren Williams | 24.8 | Will |
| TE | Travis Kelce | 17.9 | Scott |
| WRT | Adam Thielen | 24 | Brett |
| QWRT | Travis Etienne Jr. | 21.8 | Josh |
| K | Brandon McManus | 18.8 | Mike |
| DEF | Minnesota | 24 | FA |
| Total: | 267.24 |